


I Will Let You Down

by Zetal (Rodinia)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Death Wish, Gen, I'd Say Low Self-Esteem But That's Probably Overestimating What Sam Has In This Moment, Suicidal Ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-18
Updated: 2016-11-18
Packaged: 2018-08-31 15:56:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8584588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rodinia/pseuds/Zetal
Summary: Set in "Sacrifice".  Sam goes to confession.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written for SPN Song Creations Challenge Round Six: Sam Winchester
> 
> Prompt: "Hurt" by Johnny Cash
> 
> I love this song so much, and listening to it, all I could think of was Sam Winchester in "Sacrifice". It even works with the needle tearing a hole.

Sam knelt in the church confessional, a lot of words swirling through his head.

“You’re a monster, Sam, a vampire.” “Benny’s been more of a brother to me this past year than you’ve ever been!” “Ruby, killing Lilith, letting Lucifer out, losing your soul, not looking for me when I was in Purgatory…” “Sam Winchester, the boy with the demon blood.” “Lose my number, boy.” “I’m done trying to save you.”

It didn’t help him know where to start at all. He’d done this once, as a kid, when a Catholic friend was working toward Confirmation and wanted Sam to come with him for moral support. The priest had taken one look at Sam and invited him to come in and make a confession, too. He’d tried to demur, saying he wasn’t Catholic and didn’t know what to say, but the priest had been kind, and convinced Sam that even if he wasn’t Catholic, he could still get the benefits of clearing the air with God. It had worked, too. Even when the priest didn’t quite believe that the scrawny teenager in front of him had stolen, lied, covered up assaults and murders. They’d prayed together, and for a little while, Sam actually felt clean. It didn’t last long. Two days later, he was right back to washing blood off his hands and breaking into houses to steal cursed objects.

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I don’t… I know there’s a prayer I’m supposed say here, to start it off with, but it’s been so long that I don’t remember it. I know… I’m not clean. I sin so much I don’t even know where to start. The prayer’s something about apologizing for offending you through my actions and my failures to act. I guess, I guess let’s start with the actions.”

Sam took a shuddering breath. “Not sure I see the point of listing every single time I’ve lied or stolen or killed someone, so, um, yeah. I do those. A lot. I’m gonna focus on the big things, because I don’t have forever. I have a trial to complete. Guess I may as well start with the biggest: I started the Apocalypse. I freed Lucifer from the cage you put him in. Dean tried to warn me, tried to stop me, and I beat the shit out of him and ran off with a demon. I don’t think it’s fair of Dean to blame me for losing my soul, but I could have gone to him as soon as I was back, and we’d both have been spared so much. Cas, too.”

Sam paused, trying to corral his thoughts. “I keep letting Dean down. Over and over again. I guess… that’s my biggest sin. Everything Dean’s ever done has been about taking care of me, watching over me, trying to save me from this darkness. This unclean thing within me. God, I know it’s more work than with most people, but I am begging you. Purify my blood. Make it clean for the first time since I was six months old. Let my blood be the sacrifice that seals off Hell once and for all. Let me atone for letting Dean down so often by coming through for him this one time.”

“Dean’s better off without me. Free of the burden he has to bear, the screwup he has to constantly look out for. He’s changed. He’s grown up. And here I am, the same screwup, the same little brother who he has to save from himself. What have I become? Everyone I love is gone, except Dean and Cas, and they’re better off without me. They should leave me. Maybe you’ll make it easy for them to, and the price of finishing this is my death. I can deal with that. And I think this time Dean will let me go. No more screw-ups. No more mistakes. No more pain in the ass little brother that he’s gotta constantly watch out for.

“If I had it to do over, there are so many things I’d do differently, but somehow… I don’t know that it would end up differently. I guess… this is just who I am. I hurt the people around me. I let them down. And for that, I’m sorry.”

Sam looked around. This was the part where the priest was supposed to say the absolution and give the penance, but he didn’t have a priest. Somehow, though, he heard a voice, speaking in Latin. “In the name of the Father, you are forgiven. Go in the peace of the Lord.” It sounded like Castiel, but when Sam looked, Cas wasn’t there. Wasn’t anywhere. There was no penance set, but Sam could feel something change in his blood. It felt… he felt clean.

Time to get started, then. Sam picked up the first syringe and stuck himself, drawing the first round of blood to give Crowley.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments always welcome!


End file.
